Conclusions, Decisions

The longer I walk in this story, the more I come to see just how I operate inside.

The last few months, I've been noticing a lot of times when my heart 'knows' before my head figures it out. This happens especially when there's a decision to be made or a conclusion to be reached about something. I'll grapple with something for weeks and weeks in my head, doing the whole "pros and cons" thing, calculating, estimating, weighing--and at the end, after I make a decision and take an action, I'll remember moments when my heart was saying, "this is never going to happen" or "that isn't really you now, is it?" or "this is what you want."

I have to admit that the normal pattern is for my brain to do an end-around on my heart. It's kinda like some idiot mamager who has a brilliant employee, and the employee comes in and presents a plan to the manager. Then at the next department meeting, the manager presents the plan as if it was his all along and doesn't mention the guy who actually dreamed it up. That's what my brain does to my heart all the time.

It's hard to leave it at "because that's what I feel we should do". I like to offer reasons for the things I do, explain why I chose this or that. But I gotta ask, for a man of God who's "living from the heart", where is the need for a "decision"? When would I ever need to "come to a conclusion"? Are decisions and conclusions even necessary?

(I realize that for a lot of the mechanical stuff in life you have to compare or evaluate and make boring decisions. But I'm talking about the stories of life--where to spend our energy, who to engage with, which direction to go, stuff like that.)

I'm at a point where the more clearly I can see when it's my heart and when it's my head, the safer place I am in, even if it's a completely dangerous or irrational one.

That's the idiot manager speaking, I know.